Shopping With The Frenemy, Summer 2020: It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood - Acme Packing Company

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Every team has a pro shop. Every pro shop carries ridiculous team-branded merchandise. These are their stories.

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While “Shopping with the Enemy” usually examines the Green Bay Packers’ opponents, today we take a look at the home team.

Sometimes, a team releases a product so baffling, so utterly terrifying, so mind-bendingly insane, that it must be commented on. The Packers Pro Shop, which has put forth its fair share of tacky, wacky goodness, has a brand new product. The first person to notice it was Packer film guru Dusty Evely (@DustyEvely) and it quickly spread like...well, let’s not go into what it spread like. Let’s instead cut to the chase.

There’s a lot to unpack here. First and foremost, we believe that this is more likely to be either Frank Zombo or perhaps Aaron Kampman.

Perhaps it originally said “Aaron Kampman” and they just carved “Kampman” into “Rodgers.” Except, if you read further down the description of this “Carved Stumpy Eekeez” you will notice that it is made of resin, and therefore not carved, or stumpy. I’ll concede on eekeez. The item is described as a conversation piece, and this will certainly have people asking you things like “What is wrong with you,” “How do you have money to spend on this nonsense,” and “so, you really like Frank Zombo?”

Why Does It Exist?

The greatest license plate in the history of license plates was the 80s-era yellow and black Wisconsin plate. It stood out, it looked like cheese, and it was literally impossible to buy a car without it clashing horribly with any available color. The modern license plate suffers from the neutral-ness infecting all modern design, but if you like the current Wisconsin license plate, you can now buy a drink koozie that looks like it on the Packer Pro Shop website for some reason.

On the plus side, it costs less than the actual Packer plate does, so if you want the full experience, or don’t own a car, here you go.

Makes No Scents

Sometimes the product description does all the work for me. This is such a case.

This candle purports to smell like the Lambeau Field turf after a rainstorm. It also purports to smell like Citrus, Hyacinth, Violet Leaf, and “Ylang Ylang.” Ylang Ylang, by the way, is a yellow, star-shaped flower popular in the essential oil pyramid scheme community that makes your daily Facebook experience so unpleasant. It also got a hilarious shout-out from Schmidt in season 1 of “New Girl.”

In any case, given the sheer amount of beer, cheese, and sausage consumed within, it seems unlikely that Lambeau smells like any of this. If it does, it may explain why the quality of the turf has declined substantially over the last two seasons. Not sure Violet Leaf holds up to an Aaron Jones cut as well as Kentucky Bluegrass.

What is going on?

This thing is supposed to be some kind of stress doll for use during tense games, but I’m starting to wonder if anyone over there has ever actually seen Aaron Rodgers? There are pictures of him on the internet. He’s on TV a lot. If you had any questions about what he looks like, or wanted to double check, there are plenty of ways to go about it.

My daughter has an Aaron Rodgers plush. It looks like Aaron Rodgers, regardless of how you style his hair.

Of note, this is a “Forever Collectibles” item, the same folks who made the log up above. They’re definitely good at labeling people who are clearly not Aaron Rodgers as Aaron Rodgers

Useful product of the day

The Venn Diagram overlap of “Packers fans” and “people who get irrationally upset about wearing masks to help prevent their friends and loved ones from contracting a dangerous disease” is larger than many might like to admit. Fortunately, you can show off your team spirit while remaining safe and responsible:

For your 70-year-old aunt who loves Aaron Rodgers and catches every game, but who has also been dipping her toes into learning about QAnon, perhaps a Packer mask will bring her back from the brink. They’re pretty snappy.

Finally...

The Jordy Nelson Pillow was extremely popular in my 2018 Father’s Day column, and I would be remiss in not mentioning that there is now a Davante Adams version available:

Whether you need another good outside pillow to pair with Jordy, or you’re looking to push Jordy to the couch of a one of your Raider fan friends, this pillow will brighten up any living room.

Until next time remember, there is no worse way to support your team!

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Shopping With The Frenemy, Summer 2020: It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood - Acme Packing Company
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